Twice into one river: is it worth it to restore relations

It is known that at least a third of the couples, parting, over time begin to regret it. And although for the majority everything will remain in the past, some dare to give relationships another chance. Can a second attempt to be successful?

We will be frank: the desire to part in most cases is not mutual. We do not go like close friends to celebrate him with a glass of Zakokko, thanking him for the best that we gave to each other. In reality, one of the partners decides that it is time for everyone to go their own way. As a rule, the second side does not work out immediately.

The one who is left must go through all the stages of psychological recovery. Their sequence is conditional, but, as a rule, this denial, anger, bargaining, depression and only then is the adoption of the situation and the willingness to step further.

An unexpected and, as it seems, joyful surprise, the former suggests trying to try everything first, can wait for one of the stages

“From now on, everything will be different,” the inner voice encourages that the person who has recently decided to part has changed his intentions. Which most likely awaits us in reality? It largely depends on the motives of the return.

Return as a phase of farewell

“The last years of our marriage can hardly be happy, but when we left, it has gone easier,” Vadim admits. – I literally deleted everything that reminded me of my previous life, even stopped talking with common acquaintances. However, the feeling of inner void intensified. In the end, I realized that I could no longer forbid myself to return my thoughts to the past. We began to meet again, but it became obvious: there is no attraction between us with which relations began. The decision to part a second time was not so painful “.

“Rationally, we want to start all over again, but unconsciously we are managing a completely different desire,” explains the Jungian analyst Lev Hegai. – Often this happens if relations were perceived as a difficult experience and, having parted, we tried to pour it out of memories as soon as possible, but the child had splashed out with water. It becomes unbearable because we depreciate part of our life and thereby deny ourselves. Therefore, we return not so much to a partner as to ourselves, to that part of our personality, who has the right to different feelings and mistakes ”.

Having lived with a partner for some time, we understand that the decision to leave was true

The return is only a phase of farewell. After all, in order to move on, we must calmly and meaningfully look into the past.

Lack of proximity with a new partner

To survive the parting, it takes time, and for everyone here has its own term. However, studies show that most of us are looking for a new partner and establish relationships earlier than a year later, and some immediately go to the one with whom they met secretly. The “wedge wedge” method, as a rule, is poorly triggered. If we are ready to share something with a partner, then only a feeling of emptiness that we strive to oust. Needless to say, not one of the most loving person will save us from ourselves?

Having honestly, it is difficult to experience experience and acceptance of what happened, we transfer the previous problems to new relationships. And then we turn around and look at lost love in a new light. We sort into memory a scattering of beautiful moments that were not appreciated. It seems to us that failure with a new partner helped rethink everything that we have lost.

In fact, we are trying to use the usual relationship as a psychological crutch that supports us in a difficult period. And we risk very soon to return to the previous sensation: everything that we are trying to restore collapse.

Loss of comfort zone

Often the reason for the parting is the desire to shift the responsibility for his own dissatisfaction with life. It seems, having come out of the relationship, we are magically elusive from problems. However, a meeting with reality can only aggravate the state of internal loss. Then we decide to return – not so much to readily take responsibility for the crisis of our union, as trying to restore a sense of security.

“Rudimentary fear wakes up in us, which we are used to calling inexplicable, although, if we figure it out, its nature is quite understandable,” Lev Hegai recalls. – No matter how enviable social heights we achieve, the structure of the brain remind of our origin from mammals, configured by evolution to survival. The unconscious crisis interprets as an inevitable threat of well -being, and an inner panic pushes back to the partner ”.

The first time after parting we are really in a state of euphoria

Just as the heroine of Trumen Capote Holly Golitley believed that while she had breakfast at Tiffany, nothing bad will happen in her life, so we return a sense of security, being next to a person, which we know, as it seems, everything. And even quarrels and mutual accusations are known in advance.

Needless to say, if we have not resolved our own problems, the crisis in the relationship will be repeated, leading to an endless series of partings and return.

Return for the sake of children

“I did not think that the seven -year -old son would be so difficult to experience our parting with his father,” says Marina. – He closed in himself, lost interest in hockey classes, which he used to love, and returned with dad with dad in tears. It was hard for us to see this, and I suggested that the former try to start first. Now we still live in the same house, our relations are even, but this does not make any of us happy “.

“Such decisions confuse the situation even more, giving birth to the illusion that the child has power to decide whether parents remain together or not,” says Gestalt therapist Natalya Artsybasheva. – This responsibility for children is unbearable “.

“Adults have their own needs – in support, sex, acceptance, general interesting leisure. For the most part, they do not come down to fulfilling only parental functions, ”says Gestalt therapist Maria Phyreva-Bosenenkova. – In addition, sometimes from children they are implicitly expected gratitude in one form or another – from good marks to subordination of themselves to the interests of the family. If only one of the partners cooled down, and the second dreamed of reunion, then the return for the sake of children makes the second feel unnecessary “.

So is it worth it to try to start all over again?

“Sometimes fiasco in new relationships makes you reconsider the priorities and otherwise look at the merits of the former partner,” notes Maria Lekareva-Bozenkov. -Husband-homebody will become a reliable harbor after a male party and guile. The Carrier’s husband from the indifferent to the family will turn into a person who provides freedom to communicate with friends and choosing a hobby-against the backdrop of a jealous domestic person ”.

“Only if we gave ourselves labor and time to go through the crisis, having rethought a lot, we have hope to start everything from a clean sheet,” says Natalya Artsybasheva. – However, it is also important to be prepared for unexpected turns. In the new scenario of relations, partners can change places. Left, having gone through a breakup, acquires independence and taste to greater than before, freedom, self -realization and independence. Returned not very ready for this “.

The more balanced and deliberate the decision was to leave, the more difficult it is for us to return – and the less chance that, having returned, we will again begin to think about leaving a partner. Reunion is possible only for sufficiently mature people who admit that both made mistakes.

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